Most generational trauma continues because it is too painful to acknowledge. Once we recognize the abuse, we have a choice, we can dig deeper and expose the roots, choosing to heal or ignore it and pass it on to the next generation. It only ends with learning the steps to recover.
It Ends With Us
A Brief Review
Lily Bloom, “Mom why didn’t you leave him?”
Jenny Bloom, “It would’ve hurt more to let go and because I did love him.”
Colleen Hoover’s book turned movie, It Ends With Us, highlights unresolved trauma in life and how it impacts the children and their future relationships
Domestic abuse is one example of generational trauma. The character, Lily, shares how witnessing her abusive father has shaped her future relationships. Lily has remained guarded in her adult relationships until she meets and falls in love with Ryle. Only then does she discover that his rage turns him into the abuser, repeating the cycle of abuse.
The book turned movie fell short because it was the perfect opportunity to highlight recovery and in my view ended with the likelihood of continued generational abuse. Recovery efforts are needed for both Lily and her husband, Ryle. Addressing the underlying reason for Ryle’s rage and the steps needed for Lily to overcome her past could have been the main focus of the movie.
It is Ryle's unresolved childhood trauma that contributes to his abusive behavior. Not that it makes it okay to be abusive, but it indicates the need for his healing
Lily is aware of this even after Ryle acknowledges his rage and shares his desire to work on himself. She doesn’t offer him the support he needs, instead cuts him out of their daughter’s life.
My brief review doesn't suggest that it is acceptable to abuse a spouse, but in a marriage and for the sake of the children, it is important to support the abuser if they need to recover from their childhood trauma. If the abuser exhausts all recovery efforts and remains abusive then for the safety of mother and child then they should leave.
It isn’t easy.
There are memories that hibernate deep inside, they remain dormant and surface later in life through actions, perhaps by an abuser.
While other memories sear into our soul, scaring us. The images of those memories will brand into our minds, not allowing us to escape our past. It is those memories that children of domestic abuse carry with them into adulthood. It is hard to get past witnessing a father attack the mother.
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Generational Trauma
The childhood memories that relate to trauma overshadow the happy memories. They cast darkness, hiding the good in people. To fully heal we need to shine a light on the tumultuous past. And that is a choice people need to make.
Note: When we choose to recover from our past it is good to have a support system in place. A therapist, a sponsor from a 12-step program, or church clergy will help ease the pain of addressing the painful past.
Not everyone makes that choice, so they continue to live a tormented life, repeating learned behaviors. The past has a way of making an appearance that doesn’t always resemble what the child has been exposed to.
It is easy to judge the woman for allowing the abuse to continue, but what people need to understand is that there is more to it.
The Hidden Rage
Children who endure trauma that isn’t properly dealt with may live with anger that compounds over the years. It’s simply easier to ignore the past, not wanting to relive the painful event.
But here’s the thing… the anger doesn’t dissipate, but looks for an outlet. It might be drugs and alcohol to numb their pain, but that only leads to an internal inferno. Or a punching bag, a person to take the brunt of the rage.
It can’t just hide.
Surviving the Abuse
It may appear that a child from an abusive home made it out unscathed and is living an idyllic life as an adult. After all since they have not been physically harmed, their scars would not be visible.
Even as adults, the child of domestic abuse doesn’t always recognize the harm it is causing them. They might marry a person who offers security and respects them, but the damage is already done.
It Ends With Insecurity
They wear their scars as a shield of shame. The abuse they endured impacts how they view themselves. Their self-esteem takes a hit.
They may not see themselves worthy of having a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships haven’t been modeled at their impressionable age and they are likely to repeat the cycle.
It Ends With Disrespect
The abuser doesn’t respect the abused. They are teaching the learned behavior of disrespect. Healthy relationships are built on respect. In turn, the child might choose a partner who doesn’t respect them.
When the child witnesses this behavior they will learn to disrespect their mother for accepting the abuse. It fractures the mother/child relationship.
It Ends With Guilt
The abused might choose to stay with the abuser out of guilt. They might understand the abuser’s childhood trauma, offering unconditional love that is enabling. Guilt allows for the vicious cycle of abuse to continue.
When the child matures into adulthood and chooses to recover from the past. That is when the guilt sets in for them. They recognize their adult-self was shaped by witnessing the abuse and live with the guilt of how they treated the abused.
It Should End With Recovery
As adults survivors of domestic abuse we can recognize and reconcile from our past and the past of the abuser. We can seek understanding, offer compassion and choose to support someone’s need to recover.
It is a choice to choose to heal as a family. Parents need to acknowledge the lasting harm to their children by not choosing recovery. Conversations are important when the child is age appropriate.
Recovery is what breaks the cycle of generational trauma that results in abuse. Only after exhausting recovery should the parent leave. To maintain a healthy marriage both partners need to want to address their past and seek counseling. Boundaries should be set and a safety plan needs to be put in place .
Divorce Isn’t the Answer
We live in a culture that wants to throw in the towel. Times get tough we give up. Children learn from their parents. They model future relationships from witnessing how parents handle their dysfunction.
The protection of a child is paramount when there is an abuser present, but the child also need to learn perseverance. J.D. Vance, the author of Hillbilly Elegy, Pressfarm, J.D. Vance’s Parents: The story behind the family: states “Mamaw, in particular, was a fierce advocate for Vance, instilling in him the values of hard work, education, and perseverance.”
J.D.’s grandparents had a dysfunctional and abusive relationship, but they chose to reconcile from their past and helped to raise him. The point being that it is the dysfunction that is making children unhappy and divorce isn’t the answer, but healing will overcome the generational trauma.
The Alternative
Another solution.
J.D. Vance credits his wife, whom he married in 2014, with giving him the support he needs to deal with his anger that stems from his generational trauma. A New York Times post states:
“I continue to struggle with conflict, to fight the statistical odds that sometimes seem to bear down on me,” Mr. Vance wrote. “The sad fact is that I couldn’t do it without Usha.”
“I can be defused, but only with skill and precision. It’s not just that I’ve learned to control myself,” he wrote, “but that Usha has learned how to manage me.”
This is a man who is choosing to recover from his past and he married a woman who is choosing to stand by his side. Together they are persevering. It is the women in J.D.'s life that have and are encouraging his healing.
The Answer is Recovery
Divorce can also perpetuate generational trauma, depending on how parents go about it. A marriage that breaks up without resolving resentment, leads to bitterness and disrespect. This impacts how children see themselves and their future relationships.
Vance never stated that women should stay in an abusive relationship. His focus was on the children and the impact divorce has on children. Children learn a lot from their abusive home, not just how to disrespect, but what it takes to persevere through a difficult time.
Each person who has endured generational trauma has their own path towards healing. What they have witnessed in their past, through their own actions, like Ryle, or viewing a father abuse the mother, like Lily, require recovery. Support is necessary for both.
It Ends With a Choice
Most of my adult life the poor choices I made stemmed from what I experienced in my childhood. I had two loving parents, one of which had uncontrolled rage. In my opinion, my father needed recovery.
My mother remained married to a man who verbally and at times physically was abusive. At the same time he was loving. Together they persevered through their rough marriage.
Today I struggle with guilt on how I treated my mother. I learned to disrespect her, but today I choose to respect her. She demonstrated to me perseverance. Through my parents and their transgressions, along with recovery, I understand what is needed to maintain a healthy marriage.
Breaking the Cycle Like Mother, Like Daughter shares the story of how I am breaking the cycle of abuse for my daughters.
Our fathers sinned, and are no more; and we bear their iniquities. Lamentations 5:7 ESV
Resource Center: The Administration for Children and Families.
Celebrate Recovery is a Christian based recovery program.
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