Nobody said it would be easy.
Adapting to change hasn’t always been easy for me. I fought change, resisting, and not wanting to evolve with a everchanging society. Today, I can share I am adapting to change because I did and do embrace the changes in my life. When we embrace change we will learn to adapt to life as it unfolds and continue to grow.
When I say, "I do,"
I mean(t) it.
I said, "I do," when I married my husband.
I said, "I do," when asked if I had a drinking problem.
I said, "I do," when my husband asked if I wanted to move to Florida.
And the reason I am able to do these things,
I can adapt to change(s) in my life.
What does change look like in my life?
Three years ago, I did a 180 and it happened overnight. I did not ask anyone for permission, but made life choices that I thought were best for me. Change in my life is selfish because I didn’t even consider how it would impact my marriage and family life.
We don’t do life alone, so change impacts everyone else around us. Family and friends are all impacted by our changes and nobody is expected to accept our changes. This is a hard reality that I learned quickly. Fortunately, there is such a thing as unconditional love and that is what kept my relationships moving forward.
Changes are difficult for loved ones and it is important to find a happy medium. Balance is needed within relationships and at the same time boundaries should be enforced. This is still difficult for me because I refuse to be the woman I was before. And there are aspects of that woman that my family and friends miss.
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Adapting to Change for My Family
When I spent time in a rehab for alcohol abuse, the man in charge asked me, “Does your family even want you back in this condition?” What he didn’t consider is that my family loved me just as I was, a woman whose family did not see as a raging alcoholic, but a functioning wife and mother.
My family is not happy with my extreme change, simply making some attitude and behavioral adjustments would suffice. I have to tone it down and consider how my recovery impacts them.
My Husband
My husband and I just celebrated twenty-eight years of marriage. We said our I do’s when we were in our mid-twenties. Alcohol has always played an important role in our marriage. We would spend hours sipping on alcoholic beverages and talking.
I need to accept how he wants to deal with alcohol in his life and that our journeys will not be the same. It isn’t for me to attempt to change him, but love him where he is at. If he chooses not to change I need to accept that too and that is where I struggle.
My Daughter’s
My role as a mother has changed over the years, but one thing that will not change is I am still my daughters’ mother. I should be the woman they look up to. Being a mother we have big shoes to fill.
As my daughters grow and mature their personal experiences will shape them. I can not change who they are becoming, but can embrace the women they are growing into. Prior to recovery I struggled with this idea. Today, I am learning to meet them where they are at. I may not agree with their choices and I still struggle with what I cannot control.
Adapting to Change for My Recovery
A little over three years ago my life imploded, resulting in the need to create change for my life. I could no longer live life the way I did, binging on alcohol and even more importantly, resenting the world that I live in.
My life changes like the tides. I need to learn to adapt and be fluid with change. Even more important I need to accept the changes in the world I live in. If I don’t go with the flow of life I will drown.
Today, I limit my news intake and understand that I, like the society that surrounds me, have no control. I surrender each day and strive to show up as a positive influence on society. My husband is still fixated on the brokenness of the world and I need to offer a balance for our marriage to continue. My recovery quiets this rift in our marriage.
Adapting to Change for Our Move
With all these new life changes taking place, my husband and I were prime to relocate our lives and start fresh. We already had two places we called home, one in Pennsylvania and the other in Maryland. My husband could no longer cope with life in Pennsylvania so he asked me if I wanted to move to Florida.
Moving states doesn’t fix our problems. I needed a remedy for my alcohol abuse and societal problems. I would have been content living in Pennsylvania. But if the move offers my husband peace then I am all in. We uprooted our lives which impacts our other relationships.
Friendships
The problem my husband and I faced is we had to draw a line for some of our friendships. When we made the change to switch up our lifestyle for our personal health we needed to distance ourselves from temptation. This didn’t necessarily go over well with everyone we did life with and it impacted those friendships.
Since, we have maintained close friendships with those who could adapt to the changes we made in our lives. I am not interested in burning bridges, but securing a better foundation for my friendships to flourish. Each new friendship I make will be built on this new foundation.
He Did and Still Does
The reason why I am still married isn’t just because my husband has made the necessary changes to support my recovery, but because he has adapted to the changes in my life. He meant it twenty-eight years ago when he said, “I do.” Today, he still does and it hasn’t been easy for him.
Not having coping skills led to the changes in my life. This reality adds a new challenge to our marriage, today, my husband and I need to cope with the changes within our marriage.
Honestly, I would like to see more change from him. He has cut back significantly on his alcohol consumption and his news intake. I am not writing and sharing about his recovery, but mine. He has been very supportive and misses the woman he married. It’s a delicate balance between marriage and recovery. I need to maintain my boundaries, while respecting his space. He needs to love me as much as he loves himself and much more than his relationship with alcohol.
However, let each of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:33 ESV
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