At fifty, I tripped over my childish ways and fell hard. I had to pick myself up. On solid footing I started growing into my adult self. Growing up hasn't been difficult for me.
But as parents watching our children grow up isn't easy.
How does a parent cope with losing control of the one thing that was their responsibility from birth, raising our children from infancy into adulthood?
As parents we want to maintain control, because we know what is best for our children. When it's inevitable they grow up and become their adult selves. For some they mature early and others they never seem to grow up.
When our children are young we have aspirations for each of them. Their childhood is shaped by decisions that are made during their upbringing. Many parents choose to live vicariously through their children, growing into adult children. Attempting to live out the dreams that never materialized in our own lives.
We fantasize about their futures, not embracing the moment. Then as the years go by, each child grows into the person they are meant to be, and not by our standards. Leaving the parent behind when they start to chart their own path.
Their opinions shift and change. The world around them starts vie for their attention. Anxiety and fear sets in when their lives do not reflect the ideal we created for them. They leave home, away from their protective shelter, and into a world that can do them harm. Their choices alone can do them harm.
The Story of My Week
The past several days I have been doing a lot of thinking about growing up and what is to grow into our adult selves. Our daughter’s no longer live with us. They are adults now and have matured at a young age. My husband and I on the other hand seemed to have matured a bit later in life. Sometimes I still question my husband’s maturity.
How I lost control of my week.
The next seven days are a gift. This past week we had a full house, both daughters spent the Fourth of July holiday with us. Our house came to life and all I could think about was having the following week to myself.
Day by day, each family member left me. Our youngest left Wednesday evening for her home in Philadelphia, on Thursday our oldest left for a solo vacation and this morning my husband left for a motorcycle trip.
I have a week to do what I want to do in peace. No interruptions, except for my three house guests.
4 people -(1 husband+2 daughters)+(3 boys)= 4
The equation is supposed to equal 1. You do the math something doesn’t add up. My family leaves and three nineteen-year-old boys, unrelated to me, move in. Does that sound peaceful to you? Better yet whose in control on my time?
My youngest daughter growing into her adult self.
How we maintained control.
Blowing a tire on Route 95 (the busiest corridor on the East Coast), Chester County (outside of a crime ridden neighborhood) at 10 p.m. would terrify any mother.
Fear starts to settle in when I realize the helpless feeling, knowing there is nothing I can do to help. I have to remain faithful, surrendering all my worries to God.
The last couple days she navigated her problem as an adult. And I only interjected my need to control one time. This terrifying experience gave my daughter the opportunity to grow. Besides the price gouging that allows bitterness to creep back into my life, I am maintaining my sanity.
Relinquishing control is needed for our children to grow up.
A helicopter parent isn’t how I would describe my parenting style. I raised my daughters to be independent, strong women. They were not coddled.
This story isn’t about parenting or control, but about growing up. For my daughters to successfully grow up I needed to learn to relinquish control.
My older daughter’s growing into her adult self.
An Independent Spirit
Thursday my older daughter left for Iceland. Her transatlantic destination is a solo flight. She is one fierce, independent woman, and claims to not live in fear.
Anxiety takes over as I constantly check my phone to follow her location. So far a picture trail shows her on top of glaciers and under waterfalls. Again there is no reason to fear, but surrender her travels to God.
She is learning to navigate life by living life and that’s a great way to learn how to grow up. The people she meets, from all over the world, only add to her experience. I am learning to trust that she is well taken care of and to just be happy for her.
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The Beastie Boys grew into their adult selves.
I am sure you didn’t see this one coming! I realize you think I lost control of my writing, but you just need to hang in there and see where this is going.
The Beastie Boys wrote the song Girls at the age of sixteen. The lyrics mention that girls do the dishes, girls clean up my room, girls do the laundry, girls in the bathroom and all they want is girls. Later in their career a journalist called them hypocrites for the song. Ad-Rock, one of boys, quotes “I’d rather be a hypocrite than the same person forever.”
We do change. Our young selves eventually grow up and we put our childish ways behind us. We know The Beastie Boys by their music, but that isn’t who they are today.
My husband is growing into his adult self.
Trusting My Husband & God
Saturday morning my husband left for a much anticipated motorcycle trip. He will be traveling alone for the next eight hours to meet up with a small group of friends for the remainder of the week. Riding solo again on the last leg home.
My parting words to my husband were have fun and act your age!
The last several years both my husband and I started growing into our adult selves. Our lifestyle wasn’t conducive to our over consumption of alcohol use. Fear and anxiety are creeping in while he is away. Not only do I worry for his safety while on the road, but that his childish ways might catch up to him.
I was relieved and a bit jealous to hear that he arrived at his first destination, Charleston, West Virginia. Vanilla Ice and Tone Loc were set to perform, surely to seduce my husband into his youth. Today I can be encouraged by Macklemore’s lyrics for Intentions, that our lifestyle doesn’t feed us and that it is okay to be who we are today.
The same is true with my husband, I am okay with who he is today. I am not concerned, because he needs to navigate his own life. I just need to trust in God that he will return him home safely.
The nineteen-year-old boys will grow up into their adult selves.
Boys Acting Their Age
My family leaves and I am left with three boys for the remainder of my weekend. Saturday night, as I was in and out of sleep, to the beat of The Beastie Boys, No Sleep Till Brooklyn, there must have been a deck party.
Here’s a word puzzle… If you start with three boys, one not wearing his underwear and add seven chairs, how many others joined the party and why wasn’t one boy wearing underwear?
The next morning they apologized for keeping me awake before they went home. No harm was done, although I was left to clean up after them. When they are ready, they too will be growing into their adult selves. My rendition of The Beastie Boys, Girls is called Boys. Please listen to the beat and feel free to sing along.
Boys, all I really want is a man
And when they are young they are boys
'Cause when they grow they are men
Boys, to do my dishes
Boys, to clean up my room
Boys, to do the laundry
Boys, stinking up my bathroom
Boys, all I really want my man
Three at a time is not okay
With out wearing underwear, I just want my man
I ought to send the boys home
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys
The Story Behind the Story
This story was meant to be about control. I had plans to enjoy a week by myself and somehow those plans changed. I was looking forward to each of my family members leaving so I would have time alone to write. And then three boys showed up.
Sunday left me exhausted. I went to Yoga and watched church online. I did not have a productive day, instead I had a day of rest. Sybil, my yoga instructor shared a great message based on The Beastie Boys documentary. She shared:
- We don’t know when our last gig will be, so embrace the moment – last week I should have spent time embracing our daughter’s visit, not fantasizing about each family member leaving.
- We shift and change in life, just be authentic to yourself and you won’t fall – at fifty I encountered a shift that changed the way I see my own life. It’s important that I remain authentic to my new self and stay grounded.
- It’s okay to be a hypocrite when we do change – I am the same person with a different outlook on life. If someone wants to call me a hypocrite that’s on them.
“So this is what I’ve got to say to you all, be true to yourself and you will never fall.”
–Beastie Boys
It’s God’s Story
When I write I write from my heart. God’s words are impressed upon my heart, but sometimes my message might come out a little unusual. I am growing into the woman God intends for me to be and that woman needed to experience a lot more life to prepare her for God’s work.
My messages are found at the intersection where culture meets faith. I had a couple recurring themes this week, one being old-school rap. Vanilla Ice showed up for my husband on his trip and in the yoga studio. The Beastie Boys made an appearance all week as we flowed from Ice, Ice, Baby to No Sleep Till Brooklyn. And Macklemore’s song Intentions set the tone for this blog post.
Macklemoore shares some wise lyrics in his song Intentions. I lived a lifestyle that no longer feeds me today and I am finally okay with who I am. The same is true with everyone else in my life. I need to accept them for the person they have grown into. It’s not for me to control anyone. I need to continue to surrender and trust in God’s plan for me and everyone else in my life.
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21 NIV
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