A couple years ago, after I assaulted the police officer, I knew I had to change. My alcoholism got the worst of me. So, I started on a journey striving for change. What I understand today is change doesn’t happen and this truth doesn’t actually hurt.
But, I can recover. And it’s not as easy as you would think!
We can’t be changed, but a liberated woman doesn’t need to.
I can be the woman God intends for me to be. The girl who didn’t have the courage to show up. She is the woman who needs to break free from her past. The woman who actually recovers from her hurts. That my beautiful friend is the woman in recovery. And, it feels so very liberating!
My current blog series I am tackling the seven deadly sins, revealing my sinful past and present. I am stuck between pride and envy. Each vying for my attention. As a liberated woman I like to go out and enjoy dolling myself up. Make-up and nice clothing isn’t part of my daily routine, reserved for special occasions (which is few and far between). I’m still the same woman, I haven’t changed just look different.
Recovery the only change I need.
Recovery is what change looks like. Currently, I am working my recovery steps with my mentor and she warns me not to get stuck in my fourth step, which precisely is where I keep finding myself. I need to resolve my past to be content with my future.
Tonight I have the urge to be entertained, not to spend another evening binging on Who Is Erin Carter? So, I doll up, my husband tells me I look delicious (it is well past our dinner time) and we head out for a night on the town. We get to our destination when my past is there waiting for me. My husband and I have moved hours away and it isn't typical to see anyone from our past, let alone from twenty-eight years ago. My past and I graduated high school together. My past has always made me feel unnoticed. I was a wallflower. The last time my husband and I had an encounter with my past was at a wedding (the same night my husband and I started our relationship). My past recognizes my husband right away, which excites him. My husband comments, "Karen is here as well." He practically forces my past to meet with me. All I want is for my past to see the woman I have become. I had blossomed over the years but my insecurities rooted from my youth just keep sprouting up. The change from wallflower to fully blossomed flower shows up as pride and envy. It isn't change which I need, but recovery. I need to get to the point where my past has no significance on the woman I am today. Sharing this story gets me one step closer to becoming that beautiful woman. And, by the way... My past, comes off as the same cocky, SOB.
Changing the way I look at healing.
Our past shapes us and it isn’t easy to break free from that mold. We need to continue to allow new experiences to keep shaping us. When I surrender my past, and all of my insecurities which keep me stuck in the past, I allow for God to recreate me. He is the potter and I am His clay. I am the same woman and haven’t changed. I am just being molded into a beautiful new creation.