If I were to tell you that I, Karen Esbenshade, am a sober woman in recovery but then have a glass of wine with dinner what would you think? The truth is I am a woman who has and continues to address her problem with alcohol, while permitting myself an occasional drink. If I were to hide this truth then I would be a hypocrite, when being authentic is the key to my recovery.

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It is the weight of each thought that keeps me in recovery. I go to speak and my heart palpitations thrust my words into the center of the circle. Suddenly, I am free from my thoughts by revealing my true self.

My actions from the other evening are what weigh me down. They need to know I'm not who they think I am. I am a woman still in recovery, struggling with her alcohol.

Each word that escapes is welcomed by the group. They each understand and there is no judgement. We are each there to free ourselves of our hurts, hang-ups and habits

I have a nasty habit when it comes to alcohol.

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The thing about being an authentic human being is that it doesn’t come naturally. It takes courage to be truthful to others and even more so to ourselves. It takes intention.

Karen the Hypocrite

True Story

The previous story is a share to my recovery group from several weeks ago. My husband and I met friends for dinner. The evening started with a mocktail for me and a cocktail for each of them. At dinner I ordered a glass of wine. Following dinner the night was young and the fun was in full swing so we stopped at bar.

The intentions were pure I was in it for a good time. The idea was to find a place with live music so I did a sober stumble into the bar. As luck would have it there were four empty seats together at the end of the bar in the full restaurant.

Truth Revealed

We take our seats at the bar and I start to check out the wine list. I already met my ration of alcohol so I start to question my motives. The effects of my first glass of wine are compromising my recovery.

I am well aware of my actions and start to discuss my thought pattern with my girlfriend. She validates my actions by saying that I have addressed my drinking and am capable of making good decisions.

The problem is that alcohol corrupts our thinking. Everything was in place for a craving to take hold. Unlike the other times out with our friends I found myself submitting to my mind.

Breaking the Habit

The second glass sits in front of me and I slowly sip. I exercise control and do not drink the full glass of wine. To me this signals a problem. My old habit of alcohol induced fun made an appearance that night.

Atomic Habits, by James Clear sites four parts that make up the habit loop. Cue, craving, response and reward are each elements that need addressed to break habits or form healthy habits. Being aware is just the start of breaking my unhealthy habits. For success I need to implement the system.

Am I woman fooling others into thinking that I am succeeding at recovery or do I have some bad habits that still need broken?

Being Authentic to Myself

True Story

Authenticity starts with ourselves. For fifty years I went through life trying to be the person that I thought others expected me to be. I created an ideal of this person who did not represent healthy values.

Creating an ideal on a weak foundation doesn’t offer any credibility. I lacked confidence simply because I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted out of life. This realization prompted me to do a thorough introspection of the woman I had become based on the girl from my past.

Truth Revealed

Sitting in a room surrounded by other women who openly struggle with life offers me the courage to share. At one time I did truly struggle with alcohol but today I don’t see alcohol as a problem in my life. To remain problem free I commit myself to my recovery.

The truth is at one time the alcohol that I consumed was used to mask problems within my life. Through exposing my character defects and applying coping techniques I am able to overcome the desire to drink alcohol. I have found a healthy balance.

Breaking the Addiction

Being authentic to ourselves is the first step for recovery. It’s about stepping out of denial. It takes time and ongoing work to break the cycle of addiction. And for some individuals it’s better to remain substance free.

For myself I did and continue to do the work. It was time to get honest and get to know the real me. What I discovered is that I, Karen Esbenshade, am a healthy woman, created by the master Creator, and I am not an alcoholic. At times my mind tries to fool me into thinking that I want alcohol but my body no longer craves it.

If we can’t be true to ourselves, how can we be true to others?

Being An Authentic Friend

True Story

The evening that my old alcohol-induced fun habit returned I was with friends. And my friends had nothing to do with my sudden weakness. I don’t blame my friends for my actions that led me on this journey.

There are times I surround myself with friends who drink alcohol and other times with friends who don’t drink alcohol. I have made a decision to not change my environment or conform to their ways of fun. Rather maintain a healthy form of fun for myself by limiting access alcohol.

Truth Revealed

It’s not always easy. I tire quickly and am known to be the first one to retire when I am with my drinking buddies. Other times I am with friends who abstain from alcohol and we have as much fun as my drinking bodies. Alcohol has no relevance on my ability to have a good time.

My friends authentically accept me for who I am and not the alcohol that I consume. It’s freeing to just show up as myself. I know longer have to drink the alcohol to fit in.

Breaking Up With My Old Self

My life demands change and my old self is not conducive to how I wish to show up. It’s more than just alcohol but the person. The old Karen wasn’t a bad person and many of my friends enjoyed the alcohol-induced-fun Karen.

That Karen wasn’t the woman that I wanted to emulate for my daughters. Many of my characteristics did not serve me. It is time to grow up, not abuse alcohol as I once did and find a peaceful resolution to live out my remaining days.

The new Karen strives to embody love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Being Authentic the Character Trait

True Story

My husband was at a memorial service to celebrate a friend who succumbed to a month long battle of Glioblastoma. Several family members and friends gathered to speak shedding a positive light on his character. Although my husband only knew this gentleman for a short time his character left a lasting impression.

At the same time friends and family were memorializing my husband’s friend, Dave, my family lost a remarkable man to a year-long fight to Glioblastoma. My father’s cousin, Fred Dohrmann, persevered for over a year until he succumbed to the nasty cancer.

Truth Revealed

The legacy left behind reflects Fred’s character. He was a man who until the end lived his life as a positive influence. He spent years in education, touching each person who has had the opportunity to meet him. Legacy, is your life worthy? is a tribute to Fred and his authentic self.

Breaking the Lies

Our brains are powerful and want to convince us that our bodies desire what is bad. Fortunately, for me my body signals when enough is enough. I am no longer the woman who needs to rely on alcohol to numb because I found something that works.

I discovered the truth of God’s Word and my Purpose.

Doers of God’s Word

But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.

James 1:22 NLT

My recovery isn’t about the alcohol but my character. I have no desire to be the fun, drunk Karen I once was. Alcohol isn’t what it used to be and doesn’t deserve the recognition that many in recovery give it.

Note for those who struggle with alcohol: If alcohol is a problem then abstinence is key and it’s best to remain free of alcohol during the time of introspection. Alcohol clouds judgement and can be deceitful.

No longer am I a drunk but my character is still being developed. Where some people follow the steps of Alcoholic Anonymous to remain free of alcohol my focus is on how I show up. My new program Celebrate Recovery is Christ centered. I strive to be the woman that God intends for me to be. She is the woman who embodies the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I find it’s much more challenging to remain of good character than to resist alcohol.