I sit there and watch...
One... Jigger shot of gin, this looks like trouble.
Two... Jigger shot of gin, I am now slightly annoyed.
Three... Jigger shot of gin, now I'm pissed.
Next he's spilling his coffee, slurring his speech and off to bed. Fuming, I'm left to silently journal my aggression and pray. And, I know as a woman in recovery from alcoholism I can't change him, but I can change how I deal with him.
Last night we, my husband and I, had an impromptu get together with our neighbor friends. They are an elderly couple who do not shy away from having a good time. When I speak of a good time, it involves alcohol and good conversation. The night didn’t end well for my husband.
I can’t change him.
It barely seems fair, but for peace within our marriage I am the one who needs to change.
Change is an inside job. You have to want change, take the necessary steps towards it and then eventually you will see the results of change. Last evening while visiting with our neighbors, my friend mentioned her son-in-law, an alcoholic, stopped drinking. My follow up question was, “Why did he choose to make this change?” Her answer, “His wife asked him to stop drinking.”
If only it were that simple!
In recovery I have learned that for true change to happen it must be done for ourselves. I will not ask my husband to change, nor will I place any demands on him. It barely seems fair, but for peace within our marriage I am the one who needs to change.
But I can change myself.
The last couple years of working my recovery steps I now know that alcohol isn’t needed for a good time. A good time is a product of a positive experience. I no longer need alcohol to provide a liquid form of entertainment.
I had to change my thinking to learn that the alcohol induced fun which once ruled my life is not needed for a good time. This is a personal choice, not a requirement for our marriage. There are so many other aspects of myself I can change so our marriage will thrive and not bust due to alcohol abuse.
I can change my reaction.
There have been times over the last couple years that my husband’s behavior really pissed me off. During my active alcoholism I could not maintain my emotions to deal with him, because we were both irrational. Alcohol took my feelings hostage and I was quick to react. Now in recovery I have learned not just how to react, but I don’t have to react.
I simply pause, allow my husband to react, and wait until it is an appropriate time to discuss my feelings.
I can change my lifestyle.
I can decide what my lifestyle should look like and the healthy choices needed to achieve my goals. It is up to me to know what I can tolerate and what is needed to maintain my sobriety. Since I am human I may not always make the best choices, but I can choose to learn from my mistakes. If I am successful, then I will shadow good behavior.
I can make my lifestyle more appealing to my husband.
I can change how I show up.
The person I was during my active addiction wasn’t always the most dependable or attractive person. Through the steps of recovery, I am able to expose her and create a better version of myself. This ideal is the woman I strive to be.
Because we know behind every successful man is an even stronger woman!
I can change what I find acceptable.
Boundaries are important in any healthy relationship. I need to be firm with what I consider acceptable behavior in our marriage. If my husband chooses to binge with a friend, then its up to me to enforce my boundaries.
I want no parts of his drunken behavior.
I can’t change him, but I can offer him Grace.
My husband is a good guy and an even better husband. The difference between us and our alcohol abuse is how we choose to deal with it. While my husband has limited the amount of alcohol on a regular basis, he still struggles with knowing what he can tolerate. He hasn’t made the changes that I implement into my daily living to combat my problems with alcoholism. Nor does he have to.
It really isn’t about change, but recovery. We can’t change our past, our current environment or what will happen in the future. What we can do is recover from our past, learn what triggers our behaviors and decide how we want to live our lives.
And, recovery isn’t easy. God offers us grace so we can extend it to others.
“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.”
1 Peter 4:10 NIV
Important Note:
Each person reacts differently with alcohol. My husband is not physically abusive, but he can be verbally abusive when under the influence. His words don’t hurt me, because I know it is the alcohol talking. Its not my intention to paint my husband as a drunk, because like me he has made positive changes. We want the same thing, a marriage that thrives.
There are groups which help with family members who struggle with their addictions. But… No woman should be in an abusive marriage, when her husband isn’t willing to change. There are groups available to women living in an abusive home.
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