Sober Sex: Taking Control.

a woman holding a champagne bottle while in bed

Sober sex is for the mature alcoholic who wants to take control of their sex life.

By taking control of our minds, being sober-minded in the bedroom, we will achieve the ultimate pleasurable experience of sober sex.

Sober Sex: Karen’s definition for taking control.

Sober sex (noun) is an activity for the mature minded individual who wants to experience the unadulterated pure act of sexual intercourse. Sober sex (verb) is the lustful act of banging your wife of over twenty-five plus years without allowing any outside forces to pervert your mind.

Sober sex is an act which might sound enjoyable but may not appear attainable. If successfully accomplished it will allow you to dominate in the bedroom.

Now that I lost your interest as quick as I initially received it, let’s talk sex. Prior to recovery I didn’t even consider an activity called Sober Sex. My husband and I have had an active sex life for the majority of our marriage. We are drunk on love but not always intoxicated when doing the deed. Our marital sex life had definitely suffered from binging on alcohol but it wasn’t the alcohol that was the problem.

Addicts seeking to take control of their sex lives by having sober sex.

A week into my recovery another addict initiated the topic of conversation, sober sex: what will sex be like during recovery when we are released back into the wild? It was a small group, impromptu, conversation which took me by surprise. The thought that my fellow addicts had never had alcohol-free sex flabbergasted me. The conversation did not take off but a younger man did suggest that I, in particular, would need some new lingerie in order to successfully complete the task.

Previously, I stated my personal definition of sober sex. The others I rehabilitated with all had their own ideas or agendas for sober sex. Our sex lives are all very unique, based on our sexual history. Our sober sex treatment plan should be individually tailored to meet each of our needs. And, personally, I don’t see how lingerie would fix the problem my husband and I were having with sex.

So let’s break it down, referencing Merriam-Webster Dictionary to get a better description and see how we can apply it to our relationships in hopes to elevate our sex life!

Sober Sex, the official definition.

Sober 1a: not intoxicated; 1b: abstaining from drinking alcohol or taking intoxicating drugs; 2: marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor; 3: unhurried, calm; 4: marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness; 6: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy emotion.

Sex 2a: sexually motivated phenomena or behavior; 2b sexual intercourse.

Considering the Merriam-Webster Dictionary context sober sex sounds quite somber. If I am looking to spice up my sex life then I need to look further. I do know that good sex doesn’t need alcohol (a little alcohol isn’t the problem) but does it necessarily have to be sober?

Taking control of my twenty-five year marriage with sober sex.

Without going into graphic detail of my sex life I would like to explain the struggles I was facing prior to spending thirty plus days away from my husband. First, what would I know about a healthy sex life? My husband was getting it from me and appeared satisfied so yes he had a healthy sex life. And if I was meeting his needs, preventing him from straying then my sex life must have been good. Boy was I wrong. Second, why when talking about my sex life is my focus on him? I thought the saying is “Happy wife, happy life.” There was work which needed done. So let’s talk position and angle.


Where do I stand, sit or lay? My husband settles for any position but remember the focus is me. Sex is a necessary task to be married to my husband and I am willing to play the part. He shares with me the troubles his male friends have in their marriages, not only being dissatisfied but not getting it. So to me it appears most men have an insatiable appetite for sex. And many of us, women, tend to lose interest.

There are several factors at play, and us, female, have our own set of problems. Health issues need addressed and mood altering drugs should be evaluated. We should cleanse our body of not just excess alcohol but drugs. When our bodies are free of the mood altering drugs they are able to freely feel much more pleasure.

Sex for me was becoming mundane and my husband wasn’t to blame. I want to be desired and being married twenty-five plus years I felt we were lacking something. Following many tipsy conversations with my girlfriends it appears most of us are in the same boat. We have outgrown sex and if we haven’t already we were slowly loosing interest in pleasing our partner.

Alcohol is used as an aphrodisiac. One or two glasses of wine perfect but following a bottle forget it. Too many drinks for my husband would lead to a marathon with no happy ending. Alcohol does not help our aging libidos.

Great read on “Why women lose interest in sex – and what helps


Angle really depends on your comfort level. Infidelity and addiction to pornography both have the capacity to destroy a marriage. Not all men stray or are addicted to an intangible product so we need to consider what else is getting in the way of our intimacy. Resentment and bitterness will grow if we do not address our marital struggles. When we do not remedy our problems we bring them to bed with us and our intimacy suffers. We each have to identify our problems and individually make the changes necessary.

Being away from my husband for thirty plus days when my body was in recovery mode was extremely difficult. My body was going through changes. Alcohol was abruptly removed, replaced with new sensations. I was left vulnerable from the choices I had made. The time I needed his intimacy the most, he wasn’t present.

I started to address the root problems in a coed environment. Not necessarily the most conducive for a fifty-year-old woman in a stale twenty-five year marriage. I had a whole new appreciation for my husband when we were reunited. I found that not just removing the alcohol but addressing my actual problems was what was needed to elevate my sex life.

The key to taking control for sober sex:

Being Present

When we have resentments and are bitter we are holding on to the past. We are re-feeling negative emotions which interfere with our intimate relations. It is hard to find pleasure when we are not in the mood. And when we are disappointed because our spouse let us down compounding existing problems we might be focused on a task. Then our mind would not be focused on the actual act of being pleasured but maybe a task which needs completed, thinking about our future.

Previously, I mentioned a male making an unnecessary comment regarding me and sober sex. He stated, “Karen will need new lingerie.” When we are in bed with our partner and have impure thoughts of what another person has said to us or an action, not focusing on our husband, we are bringing the third person to bed with us. When a man is in bed with his wife fantasizing about another woman in lingerie the other woman is in bed with them. There is only room for three in the marital bed, the man, woman, and God.

Sober Sex, the biblical representation.

Be sober-minded not allowing outside influences into bed with our partner will bring honor to our marriages and God.

Everything is pure to those whose hearts are pure. But nothing is pure to those who are corrupt and unbelieving, because their minds and consciences are corrupt.

Titus 1:15 NLT

As an imperfect human my growth has been spurred on by a life catastrophe, because I chose to ignore my struggles. Instead of choosing to look inward and identify the source of the problem, which was ME, I placed blame on the society around me. The end result was to numb my discomfort and quell my anxieties with that one glass of wine. By the grace of God I was able to seek forgiveness and unearth my flaws. Through sharing with others I was able to accept my flawed self and learn I did not need to suffer alone. The result peace, from a loving God, not the spirit in the bottle.

What are your struggles?

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