It’s happening again, I find myself surrounded by a bunch of alcoholics. I’m the odd ball out, drinking my soda water with lime, when really all I want is a dry, red wine. Nothing complements a filet better than a glass of Malbec! And, nothing complements my healing better than reflecting the light of a group of women, each in recovery.

Reflecting the Light Into My Dark Past

My entire life, since I was able to connect with people, I’ve had friends. In my childhood and into my latter teenage years I struggled with making friends. Insecurities and my introverted personality kept me from having an abundance of friends. But then in my early adulthood I blossomed, no longer was I a wall flower, but I started to connect with likeminded friends. We shared the common interest of alcohol abuse.

Shining A Light On My Problem

In recovery we learn to look inward, not to others when working on our problems. Everything is rooted in the darkness of our past. Then with courage and support we are able to expose whatever is hindering our pathway to heal.

In my early adult years, I was somewhat insecure, but as I matured into my twenties, I blossomed. I would consider myself a late bloomer. Before I knew it, I buried my insecurities into the dry soil of my heart and wore a mask of confidence. Prior to blooming, I was a wallflower. Alcohol was the social lubricant that made my life colorful.

Swallow Your Pride, Karen E.

Alcohol

A friendship, like any relationship, needs balance. As a young adult, when I introduced alcohol into my relationships it wasn’t about enjoying one glass of wine, but drinking for recreation. On a night out with friends I often found myself binging on alcohol.

Many people who enter the rooms of Alcoholic’s Anonymous claim that one drink and they were off to the races. Drinking for those people is more than a sport but a way of life. My first encounter with alcohol did not put me on that path, but when surrounded by a certain group of friends with an alcohol fueled environment the result was a binge.

Alcohol was my solution to overcome my insecurities. It provided the liquid courage to fit in. And I associated it with having a good time, but alcohol also interfered with my relationships.

Toxic Friendships

In those years, during my early twenties, I developed several toxic friendships and not all due to the alcohol. Alcohol played a role, but it was more about each ignoring the need to heal from an unhealthy past. What I discovered is that the alcohol only fueled our unhealthy attributes.

Many of my past relationships flourished over the years while some ran their course. Even into my adulthood I found myself surrounded by friends who I allowed to bring out the worst in me. I became codependent within these relationships.

Codependency is a term I learned in recovery, not Alcoholic’s Anonymous, but Celebrate Recovery.

A codependent friendship is characterized by an unhealthy reliance and imbalance between friends, where one friend may consistently give while the other takes, often leading to emotional burnout and a burring of personal boundaries.

We all have unique characteristics, both good and bad. While some friendships are not intentionally bad, they can be toxic. Our friendships are only as healthy as we are and my insecurities over shadowed my good qualities.

Overshadowed In A Friendship

Our good qualities are overlooked when we spend time with others who we view as superior to us. It might be that they are more accomplished, have more flattering physical attributes, and a more vivacious personality. We find ourselves digging deeper into our insecurities.

When we constantly compare ourselves to others, we don’t allow our good qualities to shine. The shadow leaves a negative self-perception. This leads to resentment and jealousy.

I sit on an island, left exposed, literally wearing just a bikini with little sunblock. Surrounding me sit a few old friends, who I haven’t conversed with in years. The warmth of our conversation offers comfort, but I can’t help worrying about getting burned.

A memory from my recent past.

It’s not my intention to blame anyone else for my addictive behavior. If it wasn’t for a few of my past friendships I most likely would not have found myself in the rooms of recovery. I am grateful to each of them for the part they have played in my destruction that led to my path to heal.

Shining A Light On the Solution

Although I started my journey towards healing in Alcoholic’s Anonymous, I soon discovered that alcohol was the least of my worries. I switched my focus from a problem with binging on the spirits to welcoming the Holy Spirit to work internally. I needed more than simply working the steps of AA.

Most of my relationships revolved around alcohol. Family, friends…everyone drank alcohol. Being away at college and home from college, we drank alcohol. On happy occasions and sad occasions, we drank alcohol. Unfortunately, I needed spiritual water to nourish my roots for my heart to blossom, not alcohol.

Swallow Your Pride, Karen E.

Christian-based Recovery

What I learned in recovery is that my friends are not to blame. I am! It is within the rooms of Alcoholic’s Anonymous where my journey began. After eighteen months, I found myself in a different room with different people, Celebrate Recovery, where I focus on Codependency.

Within the rooms of recovery is where I first took a good hard look at myself. I learned a way of living that would shine a light on my defects of character. No longer would I view my characters negatively, but learn to embrace each flaw.

I learned to love myself, unconditionally, as God loves. During early recovery I sought redemption for my actions and I learned to forgive myself. I offered compassion, not judgement to myself.

The conversation in the pool is trying to keep up with the flow of the alcohol. I watch the others, pop open another Surfside, while I sip on my Heineken 0.0. Our topic of conversation alcoholism. What they don’t understand is that the alcohol is fueling their afternoon, which is why they can’t stop drinking. No longer do I allow alcohol to fuel my fun, because my recovery is fueled by the Holy Spirit.

A very recent memory.

Reflecting the light on others…

The women I meet in recovery, both Alcoholic’s Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery each work similar steps. They are steps that promote healing. And after we complete the steps, we need to let our light shine.

A few basic principles that most of us do not abstain from:

• Gossip – When having a problem with another individual try the triangle approach, you, the other party, and God. Don’t pull another person into that triangle.
• Judgement – It’s not our place to judge another person, God is the judge and jury.
• Unforgiveness – We all make mistakes in life. Forgiveness is the central concept of Christianity.

I don’t want to cast a dark shadow on my girlfriends who don’t practice recovery, because these relationships are just as vital to my happiness as my new friends that I meet in recovery. But the truth is that we are who we surround ourselves with. The women I meet who are actively working their steps bring out the best in me.

These are a few of the practices in recovery that we work on:

• Mutual Respect and Trust
• Open Communications
• Support and Encouragement
• Acceptance and Individuality
• Loyalty and Reliability
• Balanced Power Dynamics
• Enjoyment and Fun
• Forgiveness
• Boundaries

Reflecting the Light of Healthy Friendships is so much more than an alcohol recovery post. I don’t judge any of my friends for abusing alcohol, but it’s important to understand how alcoholic behaviors impact friendships. It’s time to take a good hard look at ourselves and discover our contributions to our unhealthy friendships.

Reflecting the light allows for our good qualities to radiate, working the steps of recovery promotes healthy friendships. When I actively work my steps and choose to work on myself, then I can be the best for each of my friends.