Today I live with guilt and regret for the type of daughter I chose to be. In recovery I have learned to make choices that will benefit others, not just myself, my daughters and my husband. But I grieve for what should have been, if only I made different choices and if only I was present for my mother when she needed me most.
Life is made up of a series of choices, good and bad. I spent most of my adult life making choices that impacted me personally and my immediate family with little regard for anyone else. As a mother I put my daughters needs before my own, because that is what mothers do. My mother was no different, she put me first.
A Daughter’s Remorse
As a daughter I didn’t reciprocate the behavior of placing my mother’s needs before my own. When tragedy struck my mother and she became ill that is when I woke up. But still I continued to make poor choices that kept me from being the daughter she deserved. The last few years, even after making positive changes, it felt too late. I moved away and made it physically difficult to be present.
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Mourning a Mother-daughter Relationship
As the mother of two adult daughters I understand what it takes to have a mother-daughter relationship. Daughters need mothers for parenting and continued nurturing throughout life. Daughters can provide unconditional love and support when the mother is in need.
I didn’t have the same relationship with my mother that I have with my daughters. And that makes me very sad. I grieve for my mother, because she didn’t have that type of daughter. She missed out on what could have been so much more. My daughters make time for me and are a constant source of support.
When my dad died, my mother needed me. I was too busy being a wife and mother, not being the daughter, she needed. It’s not that I was a bad daughter, just a selfish daughter. But it’s not too late, today we can have the mother-daughter relationship. I found healing through my recovery steps and our relationship is what it should be.
Mourning a Healthy Relationship
Families are made up of relationships. A marriage is comprised of two people who bring their own baggage into the relationship. Then those two people reproduce. Children are the by-product of many dysfunctional relationships. The behaviors the children witness shape who they become.
I think that most families have a certain level of dysfunction. In healthy relationships both parties have coping skills and do not act out of anger. It only takes one person to tip the scale and create the dysfunction. Insecurities Rooted In the Soil of Our Past shares the story of my father and what I believe are the roots of his anger.
My father was an angry man and my mother accepted the brunt of his pain. I know what it is to have a healthy relationship with a spouse. My husband and I have our issues, but he remains loving towards me. I grieve for my mother because I think she deserved a happier marriage.
Grieve Through My Mourning
I continually feel the need to apologize to my mother. An apology alone doesn’t seem to heal the guilt and pain I feel from my behavior. I am in the process of mourning through that pain. It’s very much alive in me as I sit with my mother in her last stage of life.
Making Amends:
Given an opportunity it's important to heal relationships and offer an apology to a loved one while they are alive.
Much of my behavior towards my mom I believe is learned behavior. My father modeled poor behavior and wasn't respectful towards my mother. My father died years before my healing began. And since I have come to terms with his behavior and understand what prompted it.
I continually apologize to my mom and she reacts as mothers do with understanding.
We need to allow ourselves to grieve, opening up those old wounds we never properly tended to. To dismiss our feelings only prolongs our pain. And when we do this prior to a loved one dying it offers closure.
There are healthy ways to grieve and mourn what should have been. So, what can we do?
- Writing is what works for me. It offers a safe space to place my thoughts and work through my pain.
- Support groups or speaking with a person who understands. I spent over an hour talking with a woman from hospice. I know I am not alone with my guilt.
- Self-care. We can only be strong for others if we take care of ourselves first.
- Following other people’s journeys. We can learn from others who have already experienced our pain.
- We don’t need to forget to forgive. We are not burying the past but dealing with it.
- Find online resources like Mourning the Loss of What Could Have Been to help process your feelings.
It is healthy to mourn a loss, but when we choose to live our life mourning what should have been we are not being present. My mom needs me now and not dwelling on my past. For her it’s time that I put my feelings to rest and offer her the love she deserves.
I encourage each you to mend those broken relationships. At least find healing for yourself and don’t allow your loved one to die without demonstrating unconditional love. We find comfort in properly mourning the loss of a loved one.
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4 NLT
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