Respectfully, I wrote this post to not disrespect my husband but to stress the importance of mutual respect. Over a week ago I started writing and my emotions started to cloud my judgment. Now with a clear head and emotions aside I am ready to share how healthy relationships are derived from mutual respect.

The original post was initiated from a phone conversation with a friend who is estranged from her adult children. My girlfriend’s fractured relationships with her daughters are common and something that I personally have struggled with over the years. My original intent snowballed into something much greater and I lost focus of my writing.

Since our conversation life continued to happen and my husband and I developed our own problems dealing with mutual respect. This last week I reflected on the relationships with my daughters and how my marriage with their father has impacted our relationships. Like any married couple we encountered a bump on the road that resulted in disrespecting each other.

Mutual Respect the Foundation of Healthy Relationships focuses on:

• Learned behaviors
• Mutual respect and marriage
• Recovery and marriage

To have a healthy marriage respect is required.

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Last night, following my recovery meeting, I met my husband and our friends. Alcohol consumption was on the agenda for my husband's evening.

Even though I exercised control, choosing to not drink alcohol, my alcoholic behaviors made an appearance. My husband had a head start and by the time I met up with the group, he was at least one drink in (most likely two) and his mood quickly changing.

Following dinner, my girlfriend and I danced, enjoying the music while the men gathered in a group enjoying their liquid entertainment. Although my husband didn't get visibly wasted, his eyes and behavior mirrored his drinking.

Watching him act this way, being under the influence of alcohol, I started to lose respect. Today I feel as if he needs to earn back my respect. As a women in recovery and a Christian I understand that isn't exactly how it works.

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Respect is a two-way street, meaning we need to show respect to others in order to receive their respect. There are occasions however when respect should be given unconditionally and that is my current struggle.

What is Respect

Above I explain “respect,” that it should be mutual in terms that it should be equal. But what exactly is respect? Aretha Franklin spells it out for us in her song “Respect.” Aretha is asking for just “a little bit,” but just how much will do?

First, it’s important to define respect and reflect on your own relationships to evaluate if there is a lack of mutual respect. There are times in even the healthiest relationships where we fall short on respect. Respect doesn’t come naturally but takes intention.

Respect per Cambridge Dictionary is admiration felt or shown for someone or something that you believe has good ideas or qualities.

Struggling With Respect

The first fifty years of my life I really struggled with respect. I didn’t respect myself, nor did I respect family members, and I certainly didn’t respect society and its people. Why do we struggle with respect? A quick google search perfectly explained my own situation.

Key reasons I struggled with respect:

• Lack of self-awareness – At fifty I had no clue who I had become, so the last three years I have been on a mission to get re-acquainted with myself.
• Poor upbringing – My father modeled poor behavior towards my mother, so today I choose to try and model good behavior for my daughters.
• Social pressure – My pride made an appearance to hide what was really going on it in my life, so today I choose to be humbled and accept life on its terms.
• Power dynamics – I wanted to control an environment that wasn’t mine to control, so today I am surrendering control.
• Low empathy – My ego driven behavior kept the focus on me, so today I choose to focus on others.
• Negative experiences – I made poor choices that only harmed me, so today I choose positive activities to encourage.
• Cultural differences – I was not open to other ideas, so today I choose to learn from others.
• Stress and emotional state – Alcohol was used as a coping mechanism, so today I choose to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

I am determined to live out the rest of my life in pursuit to respect others and command respect for myself! Its a tall order to fill and my focus needs to remain on me.

How did I end up this way, lacking respect for myself and others?

Respect Is A Learned Behavior

A learned behavior per Cambridge Dictionary is a behavior that has been acquired through experience or by copying others.

As parents it is our responsibility to model healthy behavior. Surprisingly, most of the people in my life would say that I raised two very respectful young women. Although I instilled many positive values and traits in my daughters I fell short modeling respect.

I didn’t respect my body when I abused alcohol and how I chose to treat others by speaking behind their backs. These are two areas that I have the ability to change. I also can demonstrate how to react when someone (like their father) chooses to disrespect me.

A marriage should be built on mutual respect, especially if you have children!

A Marriage Built On Mutual Respect

My husband and I each have different roles when it comes to our marriage. It’s a give and take arrangement. I defer to him and respect his role and he does the same for me. When it comes to the roles of our marriage we are respectful.

Our daughters notice our dysfunction but also a level of mutual respect within our marriage. Each daughter will defer to either my husband or I depending on their need. We built healthy mutual respect within our family by respecting the role each of us plays.

Early in the marriage is the best time to establish these roles and build a foundation on predetermined expectations. We also mutually taught our daughters disrespect. Where we failed at demonstrating is as follows:

• The mutual disrespect we had for abusing alcohol carried on to how our daughters view alcohol
• The way I disrespected my own mother, taught my husband it was acceptable and reflects on how our daughters view my mother.

I changed my expectations and now we lack mutual respect within our marriage.

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When a marriage falls short of mutual respect.

For the first twenty-five years of our marriage, my husband and I both disrespected each other during times of access alcohol consumption. Alcohol only fuels the flames, aggravating emotions and causing erratic behaviors within our marriage. Our alcoholic behaviors are still present.

Today we do much better because together we are not engaging in alcohol abuse. We have cut back significantly, but I am the only one who has taken drastic measures. Now the lack of mutual respect we once had is being tested once again.

Our marriage is a work-in-progress and at times does fall short of the respect it deserves. However, I am grateful to have a marriage worth the fight because I have friends whose marriages didn’t survive. And it pains me to see the level of disrespect modeled to the children.

When we disrespect our spouse we are disrespecting our children.

The Impact of Lack of Mutual Respect On Our Children

There are times that my daughters will voice their opinion on how their father treats me. He isn’t a physically abusive man and to say he is mentally abusive is a stretch but sometimes his comments are not necessary. This opens up the dialogue to offer backstory and communicate with my daughters what is not acceptable.

Whereas some mother/daughter relationships suffer when the husband disrespects the children’s mother, my daughters respect me. Hence, the initial reason I wrote this post: I have a friend who is currently dealing with fractured mother/daughter relationships. When communication is impacted and the children don’t feel comfortable talking with a parent the relationship starts to die.

Life is about relationships. Not only do our children’s existing relationships suffer but they struggle forming healthy relationships into adulthood. And it isn’t just about the other people in their lives but how they view themselves.

When the scales are out of whack with no effort to maintain the health of a marriage it impacts the well-being of the children.

Mutual Respect for Parents

This is when the learned behavior creeps into the mother/child relationship. The child starts to lose respect for the parent who is disrespected. It is painful to watch and heartbreaking for the mother.

Listening to my friend share about her fractured mother/daughter relationships reminds me of my own relationship with my mother. Her daughters don’t know how painful it is going to be when they realize how there disrespect will hurt them later in life.

The repercussions that impact the child are felt years later. Guilt and shame develop following years of disrespect. The result is lost years of having a mother/daughter relationship, years that we can’t get back.

In the end it is the child who suffers the most.

Respecting Oneself

Children are the creation of two of the most influential people, their mother and father. Our perception of self is shaped by how we view our parents and their relationship. How can we have a positive self-image when its being tarnished by our own parents?

The child doesn’t have a clear idea of what it is to be loved and supported. Boys become men and are likely to repeat the cycle, while girls don’t develop the security they need to demand the respect they deserve.

The lack of self-respect leads to poor decision making, continuing the generational cycle of unhealthy relationships, and mental health issues that can lead to addition. Respecting oneself builds the strongest foundation for all other relationships. And we are never to old to get it right.

It’s time to fall in love with yourself.

Demanding Mutual Respect

Demanding respect shouldn’t be forcing someone to comply but being firm and authoritative with your expectations. When we allow ourselves to be disrespected we are not showing that we are worthy. Not everyone will want to give us respect and we shouldn’t expect it but we can command respect.

To command respect is to receive it by deserving it. Acting in a confident and authentic manner, focusing on impact, being selfless and demonstrate that you are worthy. This models to our children that we are all worthy.

It is much more effective to command respect, than demand respect.

Conversations

People don’t know what to expect until we communicate with them. Conversations can be difficult especially when it comes to condemning someone’s behavior. And when we go about it incorrectly we just aggravate an already bad situation. Listening is as important as speaking.

When I approached my husband and his drinking it wasn’t appreciated. Our tempers both flared and I allowed my emotions to override what I have been learning in recovery. Using “I” statements would have been more effective than berating him for his drinking.

What I find therapeutic is writing so I wrote him a note.

Boundaries

We don’t just communicate our feelings but let our partner know what is acceptable. Realistic and fair boundaries should be communicated. Boundaries share our limits, preferences, and the personal space needed to maintain our integrity.

In healthy relationships its important to respect other people’s boundaries as well. Each person has the right to create their own boundaries. And when we disrespect their boundaries they lose our trust.

Boundaries should just not be communicated but enforced.

By Example

In recovery I have learned that the most effective way to mend relationships is to live by example. We have no control over other people’s actions but can control how we show up. It would have been much more effective for me to walk away and not allow my emotions to hijack the conversation with my husband.

By example I chose to attack my husband, while placing him on the defense and disrespecting his right to choose how he handles his own sobriety. I am not the arbiter when it comes to his sobriety. The only person I should be concerned about is myself and my drinking.

Leading by example we can naturally earn respect.

Recovery and Marriage

Our marriage almost didn’t survive alcohol. By the grace of God I have been given a second chance, one that I won’t forsaken. Today I make choices that not only impact my lifestyle but my husbands. Recovery within our marriage isn’t easy and takes constant work. This is where my recovery tools are most useful.

Earned Respect

When I had my fall from grace I let down a community. I lost the respect, rightfully so, of people who I care about. Assaulting a police officer is never a good idea but being under the influence of alcohol definitely influenced my behaviors.

I view respect much like I view grace. It is through grace that I have been saved. It isn’t from an act, like me sharing God’s word, but a gift that I received when I asked for forgiveness for my sins.

I need to extend the same grace to my husband.

Mutual Respect Given

The problem I have is when alcohol impacts my marriage. He doesn’t seem to respect my recovery. Although he respects the time I spend with others, he doesn’t seem to respect how I view alcohol in our marriage.

My husband can’t understand why I don’t offer him the same grace as those who I meet in recovery. The difference is that my recovery family is acknowledging their problems and working towards a healthier way of life. My husband wants his life to continue not addressing the alcohol and how it impacts our marriage.

My husband knows how I feel about drinking but then at times chooses to abuse alcohol. It’s hard for me to respect a man who chooses to make poor choices. When we choose to abuse alcohol by drinking too much we are disrespecting our bodies.

But I can choose to respect my marriage vows.

The Christian Marriage

Even though my husband and I are struggling to get on the same page with how we view alcohol, I am grateful that he has demonstrated the mutual respect needed to maintain our marriage. Our marriage is surviving. We professed our love in a church and today its up to us to honor our vows.

Mutuality in marriage is a biblical concept. Kyla Whipple, Known & Loved, shares, Natalie Hoffman, author of “Is it Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage,” argues that mutuality is biblical and a foundation of a Christian marriage. It points to what is mutually agreed upon in the marriage. Not only is the wife to respect her husband but he should love her as Christ loved the church and there is no greater love.

The Christian marriage should include the fruits of the spirit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. I need to exercise these qualities and not criticize my husband for his choices.

Abuse In Marriage Is Unacceptable

Abuse in marriage is disrespecting the spouse. Any form is unacceptable. To be a Christian is to respect one another and offer unconditional love.

This post was prompted by a conversation I had with a friend. Her marriage ended in divorce and has impacted her relationship with her children. There is hope. Another friend who I went to church with as a small child experienced the same hardships. She was forced out of her marriage, leaving the children behind. Through patience and perseverance, today her mother/child relationships are thriving.

Not modeling mutual respect is mental abuse for our children. As long as the children are not being physically abused there are times when the mother needs to step away from the toxic marriage. The children might feel abandoned and the result a fractured relationship with their mother. But through prayer and patience relationships can mend and be restored.

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8 NLT

Conclusion

It is through what I am learning in recovery and exploring my faith that is helping me with my problems. Respect should not just be mutual but given unconditionally. I need to respect my husband even if I don’t like his choices.

It’s up to each of us to introspect our own lives, understand our faults, and create the ideal person we strive to be. If you are struggling with self-respect or being disrespected refer to the key reasons why I struggled with respect above. Then consider what changes you can make in your own life. Patiently wait with kindness, goodness, and self-control. Eventually the result will be love, peace and joy.

Love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control are the Fruits of the Spirit. By practicing my faith and working my recovery these are the rewards. And by committing to these practices within a marriage these gifts can be extended to our children.