Spending five days in a detox as a sober woman is a sobering experience. But like everything in life there is a purpose behind our experiences. What I witnessed in detox is we can only clean up society by cleansing the institutions.

However, as long as we live in an institution that is corrupt the beauty that is birthed by the soil will decay and sadly for many they will wither away too soon. The cycle will continue, because the system is broken.

A Mother’s Love For A Daughter

My Roommates Story

What is a mother to do? 

The girl enters the room and is inconsolable. It is just me and her. And as luck would have it, I am just what she needs. A mother.

For it is her own mother who is the cause of her gut wrenching pain.

The girl is disheveled, dirty, a scourge to society. Her beauty is marred by the stains from her past.

At first I fear getting too close, but then realize her pain is only skin deep and will not transfer to me.

I crawl onto her bed and she falls into my arms. I carry the weight of her despair.

She shares what transpired during her phone conservation. Fear is cast onto her by her own mother, when really what this young woman needs is the unconditional love of a mother.

We live in such an ugly world, but when you place a homeless daughter in need into a mother's arms, even when it's not her own mother, that demonstrates true humanity.

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It’s Time To Clean Up My Life

At that time, I easily detoxed myself–simply by making the decision that I needed to put an end to the years of alcohol abuse. So without any withdrawal symptoms and doing my due diligence I chose a rehab that was right for me and they chose my detox which was right for them. What I eventually learned is not everyone in rehab is sent to detox. Although the rehab certainly doesn’t need to take my word that I self-detoxed from alcohol, it wasn’t the alcohol, but my experiences from the institutions that needed cleansed.

In the end, I experienced first hand just how broken our system is and that my own first world problems pale in comparison.

It’s OK To Be Dirty

I arrived at the Fort Lauderdale airport shortly after sunrise. From there a driver took me to the detox. I was a weary traveler and per the notes in my chart I was disheveled. I was seated in a hallway and soaked up my surroundings. After I pleaded for a room for what seemed like hours, I was given a bed. Not just any bed, but a dirty bed.

The EMT’s left my assigned room shortly before it was given to me and the staff did not clean my space. I was exhausted and the dirty bed welcomed me. My roommate was tucked in her bed and remained their the first couple days. We both needed rest. Rest clears and cleans our heads.

Women roamed the halls wearing their robes, men watched porn in the common area, and this all took place during COVID which added another element of uncleanliness. Even if we were dirty at least we were given shelter.

Shelter for alcohol and drug users comes at a premium. To read how the institution failed a Mother from Missouri see my journal entry dated March 28, 2021.

Sometimes the dirt isn’t visible from the outside.

The nurse did not do thorough examination. I was checked for everything under the sun except COVID. While prepping my arms to take blood the nurse commented on how I didn’t have any track marks. Assuming I was just like the others an IV drug user, it appeared to confuse him.

After that experience I started to notice the signs of drug use by several of the others. Bruising and painful looking blisters stretching up the arms of others. They wore their pain on the outside, whereas I kept mine buried deep inside.

It’s really all an illusion because my ugliness is stored on the inside, from years of pent-up resentment and the disgust I carried around from a broken world. The facility was dirty, not just the people. The social workers and certain staff members made me feel dirty just by the way they spoke to me. There was no respect for humanity.

How To Clean Up

We clean up with a clear head.

Entering detox with a clear head offers an advantage. To prepare it’s necessary to review the place online and asked questions. Make sure to consult with a professional or an attorney to understand yours rights. Then when you arrive, you can easily stand your ground and not cave to any of their demands.

While I witnessed others pressured to take drugs, some necessary for withdrawal symptoms, many are simply offered as a mood altering substitute. Throughout each day, the same nurse made it her mission to try and get me to take one of her drugs. Repeatedly, I was asked if I had anxiety. Of course I had anxiety because I was encountering something new. For me that isn’t a reason to take a drug. My intent was to go into rehab with a clear head, not polluted with their drugs.

Alcohol and drugs convolute our thinking. They allow people to take advantage of our vulnerabilities. Addiction and dependency keeps us in the vicious cycle. And being dependent on an institution is equally, if not more, debilitating.

We clean up with information.

I was in the position to help my roommate in her time of need. After receiving news of an unplanned pregnancy from her mother, she didn’t have a clear head to digest the news. I approached her and gave her the comfort she needed to calm down. With my clear head, together her and I worked through the problem. I knew I would not be able to fix her, but could offer her guidance.

Her concern was for the unborn baby and the effects from her drug use on a fetus. She questioned how it was even possible to be pregnant when her love had passed away and how would she raise such a child. Clearly, she didn’t have a motherly role model to guide her. Her heart was in the right place, but it was breaking before my very eyes.

After hearing what transpired between her and her mother I told her she needed to review her medical chart. She needed confirmation. The information her mother shared was incorrect. She misread the medical form and my roommate wasn’t pregnant, but tested positive for fentanyl use.

Clean Up Through God

I prayed to God and asked Him to discharge me from detox before my paid time was up, because I didn’t want to be part of the ugliness that surrounded me. God had other plans for me. Strategically, I was placed among the active addicts and the institution to witness true brokenness. I needed to be present, to walk in their shoes and carry that visual.

At the time I was an aspiring Christian with a developing faith. My roommate did not have Christ in her life, with very little interest in growing her faith. We were two lost women in search of peace and found solace from one another.

We clean up and stay clean by helping others.

I broke from not having the coping skills to live in a broken world. It isn’t the people who are dirty, but the institutions. I alone cannot cleanse the institutions, but I can help clean up what is left behind. When working with the addicts and people who live on the street, all they need is love and continued support.

As woman entering a world that is foreign, I felt as if I didn’t quite fit in and others made it clear that I didn’t belong. But they were wrong. I had meaningful conversations with a few and journaled my way through my stay. It is through this experience that I can advocate on behalf of others.

My roommate was part of the broken system, something she educated me on during one of our many talks. It wasn’t her first, nor last time in detox. In the end she succumbed to the system. And I am determined to be part of the solution and not the problem.

And sometimes that isn’t even enough.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:12 NIV