Harvesting Healing Through Blogging
As humans we have daily struggles and it is our struggles that make us human.
~ Karen Esbenshade
As an imperfect human my growth has been spurred on by a life event, because I chose to ignore my struggles. Instead of choosing to look inward and identify the source of the problem, which was ME, I placed blame on society and the people around me. The end result was to numb my discomfort and quell my anxieties with that one glass of wine. By the grace of God I was able to unearth my flaws and seek forgiveness. Through sharing with others I was able to accept my flawed self and learn I did not need to suffer alone. The result peace, from a loving God, not the spirit in the bottle.
Being A Mother to my Daughters
“‘One… two………,’ -holding the wooden spoon higher…-‘three…,’ -sizing up my competition, resorting to a threat. Weaponizing the spoon to seize control.
“Two tiny feet doing the two-step, while both hands to her crouch, the urgency setting in, her big brown eyes, eyeing her sister for her reaction.
“Standing her ground, her blond wispy curls concealing her face, eyes fixated on the spoon. Her small hands covering her heinie. Protecting the intended target. Standing toe to toe with her opponent.
“The girls didn’t have a chance.
“Dangling a carrot. If only they liked carrots my job would be much easier, -utilizing their wants to control the outcome.
“‘Mom… she didn’t mean to do it,’ -begging for mercy, desperate for the chocolate cake.
“‘Mom… it’s not fair,’ -pleading her case, trying to negotiate her freedom. Hoping to get her cake and eat it too.
“The girls didn’t have a chance.
“The kitchen, a war zone, looking as if I will be the only casualty. ‘Girls please clean up your mess!’
“‘I would, but she left it a…,’ -eluding capture- ‘you need to teach her to clean up.’
“‘Mom, she used the pan after me’ -attempting to escape- ‘she needs to clean up after herself.’
“‘One… two…………,’ -digesting my thoughts- ‘three…’ -holding my hands up. Relinquishing control to God. Allowing His will to be done.”
The past years I thought parenting came naturally to me. But as my daughters have matured into young adults, parenting has proven to be a challenge. Our job as parents never ends, just evolves.
When they were young children I wasn’t only their nurturer, but their protector. It was my responsibility to make them feel loved and protected. I took control of their childhood and watched them flourish.
Each passing year we celebrated accomplishments and I would pat myself on the back for a job well-done, taking false credit for their achievements. As my daughters matured into adulthood there was a shift. My daughters were capable of standing on their own two feet, but I still had a need for control. My needs were interfering with our relationships.
Eighteen months ago a once vibrant relationship fractured. Resulting in a need to re-evaluate my parenting, which led to creating an ideal of the mother my daughters deserved. I had to relinquish control. Not to them, but God.
Through years of parenting, their foundation was strong. My foundation was weak and the result it could not withstand the ongoing mother-daughter war. It was time to trust in God, His plans. Pausing is a defense mechanism offering time to digest my thoughts and not over-react, but looking towards God for direction.
Through the grace of God I was given a second chance to build a new relationship with each daughter, individually. My healing will be ongoing and although I will never reach perfection, I can strive to better myself for them.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
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