Let’s Grow Together – Finding My Way Home

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Harvesting Ideas Through Blogging

As humans we have daily struggles and it is our struggles that make us human.

~ Karen Esbenshade

Finding My Way Back Home

Over an eighteen month span my life has done a complete 180. Due to my life choices I was given an opportunity to change the trajectory of my life. For me it was not difficult because I craved change. What has been a struggle is finding the middle ground.

Once I summoned the courage, conquered my fear and fully surrendered I was able to continue my journey of healing. Courage. I would need to make substantial lifestyle changes. I would need to be vulnerable and investigate my past. Fear. The only life I knew would change. Not only my life, but those I loved most. Surrender. I would need to relinquish control to God, because I repeatedly failed myself. I needed to realize I could not control other people or their actions.

Machu Picchu –
Exploring the ruins of my past.
Rainbow Mountain –
Life doesn’t always turn out as expected.
Humantay Lake –
Looking for the shades of gray.

Accepting my past transgressions and revealing my resentments were key to finding peace. I needed to explore the ruins of my past. I needed to discover what contributed to the need to pacify myself with the mood altering drug, alcohol. Even though I grew up in church and attended church as an adult, my spirituality was lacking. I needed to renew my faith.

Recovery from any addiction is a selfish process, with the focus being improving self. I wanted to be healthy and whole for my family. My family was very supportive, so I thought all was well. What I discovered is my husband and daughters missed parts of the old me and parts of the new me were a big adjustment. Although they encouraged me and my sobriety, I was not the wife my husband married or the mother my daughters knew.

When I climbed to the top of Rainbow Mountain it was not what I expected. Eighteen months of change I am not the wife and mother my family expected. Personally, I feel at peace with the new me, but it’s not all about me. Change has been good and healthy for me, but I need to find a middle ground. Life is not meant to be lived black or white, but in the shades in between.

My relationship with Jesus has grown. A relationship which I will not forsaken. There will be no middle ground with my spirituality. But my everyday living and interactions with others has room for improvement.

Jesus continued: “Anyone who isn’t with me opposes me, and anyone who isn’t working with me is actually working against me.”

Matthew 12:30 NLT

As an imperfect human my growth has been spurred on by a life catastrophe, because I chose to ignore my struggles. Instead of choosing to look inward and identify the source of the problem, which was ME, I placed blame on the society around me. The end result was to numb my discomfort and quell my anxieties with that one glass of wine. By the grace of God I was able to seek forgiveness and unearth my flaws. Through sharing with others I was able to accept my flawed self and learn I did not need to suffer alone. The result peace, from a loving God, not the spirit in the bottle.

How can I pray for you?

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