Harvesting Ideas Through Blogging
As humans we have daily struggles and it is our struggles that make us human.
~ Karen Esbenshade
Finding My Way Back Home
Over an eighteen month span my life has done a complete 180. Due to my life choices I was given an opportunity to change the trajectory of my life. For me it was not difficult because I craved change. What has been a struggle is finding the middle ground.
Once I summoned the courage, conquered my fear and fully surrendered I was able to continue my journey of healing. Courage. I would need to make substantial lifestyle changes. I would need to be vulnerable and investigate my past. Fear. The only life I knew would change. Not only my life, but those I loved most. Surrender. I would need to relinquish control to God, because I repeatedly failed myself. I needed to realize I could not control other people or their actions.
Exploring the ruins of my past.
Life doesn’t always turn out as expected.
Looking for the shades of gray.
Accepting my past transgressions and revealing my resentments were key to finding peace. I needed to explore the ruins of my past. I needed to discover what contributed to the need to pacify myself with the mood altering drug, alcohol. Even though I grew up in church and attended church as an adult, my spirituality was lacking. I needed to renew my faith.
Recovery from any addiction is a selfish process, with the focus being improving self. I wanted to be healthy and whole for my family. My family was very supportive, so I thought all was well. What I discovered is my husband and daughters missed parts of the old me and parts of the new me were a big adjustment. Although they encouraged me and my sobriety, I was not the wife my husband married or the mother my daughters knew.
When I climbed to the top of Rainbow Mountain it was not what I expected. Eighteen months of change I am not the wife and mother my family expected. Personally, I feel at peace with the new me, but it’s not all about me. Change has been good and healthy for me, but I need to find a middle ground. Life is not meant to be lived black or white, but in the shades in between.
My relationship with Jesus has grown. A relationship which I will not forsaken. There will be no middle ground with my spirituality. But my everyday living and interactions with others has room for improvement.
Jesus continued: “Anyone who isn’t with me opposes me, and anyone who isn’t working with me is actually working against me.”
Matthew 12:30 NLT
As an imperfect human my growth has been spurred on by a life catastrophe, because I chose to ignore my struggles. Instead of choosing to look inward and identify the source of the problem, which was ME, I placed blame on the society around me. The end result was to numb my discomfort and quell my anxieties with that one glass of wine. By the grace of God I was able to seek forgiveness and unearth my flaws. Through sharing with others I was able to accept my flawed self and learn I did not need to suffer alone. The result peace, from a loving God, not the spirit in the bottle.
How can I pray for you?
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